Accept Everything, But Not Everything Is Acceptable
The difference between acceptable and acceptance
There’s a significant difference between that which is acceptable and acceptance. They certainly do not mean the same thing, and the distinction is crucial to our wellbeing and personal growth. Let’s delve into each word to explore how they differ and why acceptance is the path to our peace of mind whereas, behaviour that is not acceptable can be harmful to us.
When a person behaves in ways that are harmful, dangerous, disrespectful, violate laws and regulations, such behaviour is clearly unacceptable, and no one should be encouraged to tolerate it. When faced with behaviours that impact health, safety, wellbeing, and professional conduct, we absolutely need to take action to address the risks. At the same time as we deem such behaviour unacceptable, we must also endeavour to accept the situation. Is that not a contradiction?! No!! Acceptance here means, you see what is happening, you acknowledge it, you are not in denial about it, you are not turning a blind eye to it, you are not sugar-coating it, you are not making excuses for the unacceptable behaviour. You accept the reality in front of you, and from there, you are in a position to decide how you choose to respond.
An important dimension of acceptance is recognizing that we all have freedom of choice and allowing people to exercise that right. It’s about letting go of seeking to control others, to impose your way, your approach, or your mindset. When we resist acceptance of the choices that others make, it has a negative effect in our lives: breeding the habit of judgment, causing us frustration, unhelpful worrying, and mental anguish. Non-acceptance effectively takes us away from focussing on ourselves, in terms of self-awareness, self-reflection, and insight, and creates instead a distraction by focussing attention on critiquing the way others choose to lead their lives. By being preoccupied with wanting to manage and correct the behaviour of others, non-acceptance becomes an escape from the self!
When you catch yourself having non-accepting thoughts, ask yourself the question, “why is my way better than theirs”? Asking this question can be a very humbling moment indeed! If I boil water in a saucepan rather than a kettle, or if I wait till the due date to pay a bill on-line, or I keep my storage cupboard in a state of disarray, or I work best under pressure and leaving things to the last minute, or my desk is piled high with files and documents, or I respond to work emails with audio recordings rather than a written message, or I want to meet with my project team once a week rather than once every two weeks, or I choose to experience everything as a source of worry, and so on, why might that be potentially unacceptable to someone else? An attitude of, “my way is the right way”, causes more upset than it’s truly worth. What if we just accept that the kitchen will be cleaned up by our kids/partner not on our timetable, immediately after dinner, but instead, later that evening after completing some other activity?
When we resist accepting someone’s character or the way they choose to do things, we are essentially choosing to keep getting enervated over and over again, and to beat our head against the wall so to speak. The late Wayne Dyer put it beautifully:
"The moss only knows how to be moss, and regardless of your opinion about how it should not be behaving in such moss-like ways, it will still continue doing all that it knows how to do.” Dr. Wayne Dyer, You’ll See It When You Believe It.
This point is also profoundly expressed by Eckhart Tolle:
"If her past were your past, her pain your pain, her level of consciousness your level of consciousness, you would think and act exactly as she does. With this realization comes forgiveness, compassion, peace. The ego does not like to hear this, because if it cannot be reactive and righteous anymore, it will lose strength." Eckhart Tolle, Stillness Speaks.
With freedom of choice comes consequence. This is an important point to keep in mind with acceptance and the acceptable. While we are free agents, we are also responsible for and accountable for our behaviours. With some things, there are no adverse consequences; which is all the more reason to recognize when we want to impose our will, that it is simply a case of us resisting acceptance of someone else’s preference or approach. For instance, if boiling water in a saucepan versus a kettle produces the same net effect within the same amount of time, why not accept it? If in spite of my messy desk I can immediately retrieve the information that my supervisor asks me for, then why can’t I have the big pile of papers piled up on my desk? Who is being held up or inconvenienced by cleaning up the kitchen later in the evening rather than immediately after dinner? By challenging ourselves, we come to see that so much of what we don’t accept is in fact a matter of personal preference rather than a better way.